one saturday a month i cook for my family, tonight my aunt and uncle and cousin came over as well, i made rosemary flatbread, roasted cauliflower (30 mins in the oven) with this miso and sesame dressing, beef steak with crying tiger dipping sauce for the third time bc dad likes it so much (although i sear it according to this method), a pomegranate and chicken salad i made up (red cabbage, carrots, cucumbers, lots of mint leaves, coriander) with a spicy lime dressing (honey, lime juice, lime zest, soy sauce, rice wine vinegar, chilli flakes), used this as a guide to make the soft pulled chicken - like coming up with salads + salad dressing a lot more recently - also have more or less cut out dairy and eggs entirely from my diet and so like making things w vietnamese/thai flavours and use a lot more herbs - for dessert made sticky toffee pudding (david lebovitz) for the first time and it was a stunning recipe turned out well, rose perfectly and was still gooey in the centre. really good served warm from the oven with scoops of macadamia nut ice cream. everyone was happy so i was happy
phasing out all images of myself

if i stop making a habit of doing this blog now that work has started it will probably taper off and die and i don't want that to happen, i like having this space to myself. work has started and i like what i'm doing, my desk is next to a window from which you can see the sea and the harbour, on the first two days it mostly rained so i left the blind up, only to find myself pausing from whatever email i was working on to stare at the water and the sky, i can see nicoll highway (i think), the buildings in the city, i like watching the cars smooth over the roads. daydreaming is a nice word and it's how i feel when i'm not thinking about anything instead of fantasising about something else not presently in my view; o maybe that's what it means, you're dreaming about the day. for the rest of the week i closed the blinds because the sun was so bright, it's impossible to see my screen clearly otherwise. i like that i face a window/my screen is in front of the window instead of having a view of the rest of the office which means i never know, and therefore am not aware of other people walking around/getting up/arriving/leaving, it's something small but it feels special/different to the other places i've worked.

certain the novelty will wear off soon enough but for now everything remains new, not only new but something i like: i like waking up early and having the first hour of the day to myself, slowly, acclimatising to being awake again; for now i like being occupied by work, coming home by 8pm exhausted but ready to wind down/not be alert, which means a regular sleep cycle and little time for me to think about myself - being afforded the privilege of never having to think about yourself; i like how much there is for me to learn and the way it means that i am always processing new information; i like the people that i've met and have to work with; i like being locked into a system of complicated cross-regional communication that i wouldn't be able to fully explain to someone not involved, which means, in a way, having something to keep to myself. for now that's all good/ok.

sometimes i feel a prick of fear that my life will disappear in a swivel chair - a fear that i experience physically, and therefore seems more real - that because i no longer have as much time to reflect on things (a good/bad thing) or what i want that soon enough it'll be five years from now, and before i know it ten years would have passed by, in a flurry, with me not having done all the other things i still want: wanting to write or read and write or draw or learn more about other things and having the room to do that, or being able to take up and leave whenever i want to. thinking about this makes me feel like crying a little - wondering whether the decision to do a corporate job will eventually stamp out the part of me that these things are important to - and whether it's absurd, the [need for/room for creativity] - anyway i think the conclusion is that if something is important to you and you know that simply prioritise / continue to make space for it. don't let anything stop you, or something along those lines

i keep thinking about this: giving up the ability to be selfish for the benefits of partnership - i guess that applies to relationships, where the benefit of partnership is stability/having someone you can always return to -- but i'm thinking about that also in terms of general life/committing to a job, giving up the ability [to pursue anything in a world where all options/futures remain possible because you haven't made any real choices and therefore having it remain texturally interesting, because you don't know what will happen next] and signing a contract for a job where you can imagine, with greater certainty, what the next year will be like, when you'll get to take leave, what your day to day movements will be like. feel like i make decisions around the motivation to keep things as open as possible; have to remind myself of the reasons i chose to do this - i remember being in the car with my dad three years ago and him saying that being able to do what you want to do, becoming an artist is a luxury, he chose to do what he does bc all that mattered was survival - that's probably what ong keng sen was talking about in his CNA interview (, singaporeans giving up pursuing art or whatever for practical reasons. feel a little like i'm doing that but i'm coming to terms w it =[

still thinking about this quote ( i posted, that if your day to day is mostly ok/stable - that when i think of my needs/feelings in terms of the immediate and how to satisfy them, like eating when i notice that i am hungry, or sleeping when i feel overwhelming exhaustion, or how to navigate transport in order to go home/get to the place i'm meant to meet someone, what my plans are for the next two hours, then i remain present, i don't miss anyone and don't think about myself being located/dislocated. so it's memory that is what makes me suffer -  it's only when i feel my memory triggered by an object/thing, see a picture and think about where it was and how i felt when it happened, return myself to a place in the past, that i remember london, think about being here now and how far away in time and distance i will continue to be. ie. in all aspects of my life i am content and happy, it is only when i remember that i feel the stab of pain

feel like my dad goes through his life without reflecting much on what he wants beyond the present and practical and that he never thinks much about the past and that it makes him a happier, chill person; if i can at some point, achieve that, if my ability to be aware of the fact that i can no longer remember certain things is impaired, to the point where i no longer remember that there were things to be remembered/to reflect upon in the first place, i would be very happy. i wouldn't necessarily want that - for all the things that have happened make me the person i am now etc etc - and if that happened people around me/my family would probably think it's sad but it's probably true that, on a day-to-day basis, i'd be happy, wouldn't think of the past, would no longer remember things that make me feel that stab of pain

everyday i'm like "i'm twenty-three years old and already feel [all these things] and God willing there will still sixty or so years to go and in that time period there will be a million as-of-now unimaginable things that will happen all the while accumulating a lifetime of memories"

other day, to eve: have you thought abt the fact that we will be alive when Singapore turns 100 / be around for SG100 celebrations

*feels mind-blown*

yesterday i dreamt i was at an evening garden birthday party of a family friend who i haven't seen much bc i have been away from sg who invited hundreds of people she knew, now that she is (irl) famous; in the dream i got there late and most of the food had been kept away, we barely interacted with her but were pleased to be guests, feeling like we had our own world amidst the crowd of strangers there, i remember running around a maze garden, with tall neatly-trimmed hedges lining both sides of the path, feeling happy and not thinking about much else besides what was presently in front of me. later, i was sitting in the front of the car next to a friend, i remember thinking, i don't remember how i got here, either i must have just woken up from a dream or that this is still part of the dream
always thought of teleportation as meaning the instantaneous transportation of a body from one place to another but in the quantum physics book i was reading the author described teleportation from point X to Y as (paraphrasing) the breakdown of self into a set of atoms that are destroyed at point X for a new set of identical atoms to materialise into being and re-assemble into a copy of self at point Y ie. a clone that maintains its link with your previous self via non-locality

at the swf talk last sunday ( dave chua talked about how the book he wrote in the 1990s was seen as contemporary at that point in time, but if it was (or maybe it has been, im not sure) adapted for the screen the scenes would have an air of nostalgia to it, bc of the lack of technology etc, that he wouldn't have intended; up until that point i had not thought of the 1990s as being far away, it still seemed like the near past. now i miss it differently

here is a compilation of selected essays i wrote for university:
do more for the people around you
you can always do more
i have two poems in the first issue of codette, it looks cool and i'm grateful to be included
you can get a pdf or buy a print copy at
today i:

deleted 13,000 tweets
coded new web pages
read an email from kiera
took the train down to the projector
watched 'Im Sommer wohnt er unten'
sun: how do u translate a poem? (工作坊:诗歌翻译入门)@ swf
mon: yeo wei wei + desmond kon book launch / poetry reading @ swf
tues: tour guide + arab st + little india + kok sen
wed: signed contract + lunch w mama + launch @ swf
thurs: the art of subtitles + taming of the princess @ swf
fri: ipor hor fun + coffee at holland v
sat: day out w dad + taxi tehran
sun: adapting a singapore literary text for screen @ swf