managed to fix the css and html for this page so i feel really happy : )
feel like i haven't done a 'things i did this week' type of blog in a while so i want to do that now. things i did last week: on friday after my anthropology of china exam ended ben met me at gold mine for roast duck and pipa tofu. took the tube home, put my things down, then took the train to new cross for goldsmiths' lit live poetry reading to hear sam and sarah read. we went to the pub and it was nice to see everyone in one place especially sophie and camilla. on saturday ben and i met hell at spaghetti house for lunch, then we split up so ben could go home and crispin could find vicki so lucy sarah chris and i took the bus down to bermondsey south and walked to pernarth centre and started putting things together for sarah and lucy's book launch. it felt nice to leave central london and feel far away. lucy chris and i went to an aldi to get snacks to put out for the reading and it felt like we were in a supermarket in germany. we got hummus and blocks of cheese and tortilla chips and as many cans of beers as we could carry. i stood behind the bar we had set up for a while handling money stuff and that was fun because all the snacks were an arms' length away from me. every time i wanted to exit a conversation bc i didn't know what else to say i would say 'i'm going to get some more hummus..' before the reading started someone played 'i rly like u' and we skipped around everyone dancing, i felt really happy. i made a video for the reading and maybe lucy will put it up on shabby doll house but if not i will put it here maybe. ben and i left around 1am and took an uber back to mine and on the way back to mine carrying boxes of chinese take out from the lan zhou noodle store opposite the tube exit he said this was the most fun he had in a long time. on sunday i don't remember what i did in the morning, in the evening i took a bus to meet everyone because it was sarah's last day in london and we had nando's and then drinks at liverpool station. i don't really like nando's but i like the option for free-flow soda. on monday camilla came over in the afternoon and we talked for a long time abt things we hadn't told each other, it felt really nice - i hadn't seen her for over a year and i had forgotten how much i liked hanging out with her. after that ben came over and we watched the second last episode of mad men and the game of thrones ep that both came out the night before. on tuesday i woke up to rowan ringing the doorbell, she had just gotten back from oslo and was heading back to bristol so it was nice to catch up with her, we went to woojung (typing this out makes me realise how often i go to woojung.. i guess since it's moved from tottenham court road to the basement of the korean supermarket along new oxford st it's more casual/less like a restaurant than buried in an internet cafe/way cheaper) for lunch and i had kimchi pancake and jeyuk deopbap. after that i took a nap then woke up in time to skype with nathalia and q re what we're going to do next re galavant. then i went to fitness first to do a physiotherapy sports massage, then walked to waitrose and bought tubs of hummus and guacamole and a box of spinach and ricotta cannelloni then walked to ben's house to have dinner. came home around 9pm and took a shower and slept earlyish. on wednesday afternoon rachel came over and we hung out for a while before ben came over too, then we walked to tesco's to get stuff to cook and rachel made her ~ special ~ baked cheesy cauliflower, and we cracked open more tubs of guacamole and salsa and ate that while watching the first few episodes of jane the virgin. after her work ended ash came over too and then we lay in bed listening to music and talking till 11ish and then everyone went home. on thursday i met james and hannah because they are leaving london for sydney for good soon and we got dumplings from chinatown then sat in my room talking till i had to leave for a dr's appointment. on friday i woke up early and went to timberyard with the intention of doing work for chinese exam but ended up writing some poems and editing html for website. ben met me in the evening and then we took a long walk around covent garden + got indian takeaway from round the corner. i stayed up really late that night while ben was sleeping just looking at dumb things on my phone and reading abt shampoos and conditioners for my hair and went to bed around 5am only to wake up at 10am. ben was still sleeping and i decided to walk down to ena salon to look at davines' oi shampoo and conditioner i had been looking at on amazon. glad i went down to the salon bc when i walked in a guy came up to me and said hi how can i help you and i said i was thinking abt getting products from the oi line and he said no that seems a little too heavy for your hair, can i touch your hair, and i said sure and so he lifted a lock and rubbed it and said wow your hair is so fine, and i said yeah which is why i was thinking of getting the melu shampoo, and he said oh no your hair isn't damaged and recommended me the replumping line instead and then left, it seemed, to the ~ hair cutting ~ part of the salon to tend to someone in a seat. felt unsure if i should go for it bc i had left my phone at home to charge and couldn't google it, so stood around reading the label for a while and looking at the other davines hair stuff on the shelves when another sales girl came up to me and was like hi can i help and i said um i'm not sure if i shd get this.. and she said oh you should definitely trust him he's a master stylist here and i felt like laughing but decided to get it anyway. walked back home and took a shower and now my hair is the softest/most amazing/glossiest it's been since i was seventeen or eighteen and it seems insane that the shampoo and conditioner you use can make that much of a difference. feel like having a good day can make such a good difference. after that ben and i took a bus down to dalston, got pizza at voodoo ray's, sat at the park until it was 5pm and then we walked to the richmond for the 5-6pm happy hour for £1 oysters. rly liked the oyster shooters with spiced tomato juice and vodka. after that we went back to mine and had a fun + funny evening arguing with each other but also laughing a lot and crying some and talking quietly about important things and what we want to do in the near future then taking a walk out in the cool air late at night. yesterday i went to ben's place with food bc he was having food poisoning and needed sick food, organised/cleaned his room/flat while he napped and after he woke up we watched the last episode of mad men ;( and game of thrones and now it is tuesday, in the morning i met ben's friend wesley who he had known since he was a kid, and we went to woojung for lunch, and in the afternoon i had a phone call appointment with the tcm dermatologist/doctor who has been treating my eczema flare-up/dysmetabolism and it has been almost two months since i first saw him and started drinking chinese herbs and my skin is close to 85% better and smooth everywhere (!) and i am no longer burning up my sheets at night over-heating and being unable to sleep or needing to bring a bottle of moisturising cream everywhere so i can apply it every few hours. seems insane that an alternative option to 'western' medicine/chemicals was actually successful, feel really grateful. on the other hand i am no longer losing weight bc my body seems more able to regulate heat normally and my metabolism rate is stablising. i will take being healthier and chubbier over feeling sick to death and needing to be taken care of any time tho
hi i went away for a while but i have kept this blog for so long that not writing here,
or trying to come up with another space feels odd, unnatural. i feel like writing means so much
to me, not in terms of coming up with 'poems' or 'pieces' that could find homes for in other places,
but just this place where i can say anything i want to and where i have done so for so long.
sometimes i think about the people that might read it, like people i might have known a long time ago,
but have stopped being friends w for some reason, and i feel like i want to shroud myself in a layer of [~],
because everything i say here is so close to home. today i woke up with the sudden realisation, the clarity
of that thought, that i might have to leave london. and that breaks my heart. i feel like besides my family
and a few others, everyone i love is here. and i guess that sometimes feels hard to admit: that i want this
thing so badly, but i might not have it. it would be easier to wave it off and say that i don't want it that badly,
it was ok that i had to leave, because it didn't mean that much to me anyway. that way, it can't be something
held against me, or a hurt known to everyone else. but it seems better to me to be brave and say that i wanted this,
and i didn't get it, but i am still okay, there is so much else i want to do and things to look forward to.
and even as much as i will cry about it, if/when i have to leave, i will have had all of these three beautiful years
getting to know and knowing all the people i've met here. and then: there will be something else. it will
be different and i will be older and i will go into it knowing that the fact that things do not last forever
is only another reason to love it while it is still part of your world.