i don't need all these things:

realising that the value system driven home by the millions of billboards and advertisements that I walk past everyday & the language some of the people around me use: "want", "more", endlessly investing in material culture, I don't want any of that - this year becoming aware of this has made me realise I don't want or need these things anymore - I've begun throwing away / donating / selling the things that I don't require, and cutting down the number of objects I own feels cleansing - and to realise that finding contentment in what you already have is a lot of times the key to peace & happiness I'm looking for feels like a secret life hack that not many other people know (laugh when ppl posts pics of things they bought like there is another world outside of yours)

ebay's only letting me sell five items a month which is annoying, but anyway this is what my wardrobe looks like now :))))

2 plain v-neck tshirts: black + white
2 plain camis: black + white
2 black oversized sweatshirts
2 pairs of shorts: denim + black
2 pairs of jeans: black + grey
5 dresses: 3 work/informal 2 formal
3 tank tops
3 skirts: pencil, mini, mid-length
3 pairs of pants (loose/ straight leg)
3 long sleeve silk shirts

winter wear
3 flannel turtlenecks: black, white, grey
1 thin wool jumper
2 thick wool/cashemre jumpers: black, grey 
2 black leggings
3 black coats: 2 thick / 1 light
1 black padded vest
1 black raincoat
1 black scarf

ps if anyone wants to buy my bags plz let me know

last day of the year ~

31st dec 2014


nearly 4pm on wednesday afternoon, last day of the year; two weeks ago i went for slowdive with nathalia and while they were playing machine gun i received a dm from peterbd asking me what my fav moment of 2014 was - i feel like i have already written about this, being at slowdive and thinking about this - and i felt so sad, i think, because there were so many parts of the year that i thought was good, at first, but on turning the memory over later i realised that they were rotting through, and this makes me close my eyes (also i am typing this here n not tumblr bc this feels safest(?))

the first memory that came to mind re 'fav moment' was maybe finishing jailbreak, in february with rowan and max, but that wasn't really pure happiness, just exhilaration at being able to stop moving and stay warm away from abandoned highways and gas stations in the middle of germany; the other memory that came to mine were the mornings in summer where i'd wake up before 7am, make breakfast alone in my sister's flat, then walk to work across london bridge and through bank - those mornings were so beautiful, quiet - when i have the whole morning uninterrupted by anyone else's movements i feel able to gather myself into the person i want to be, alert and responsible; at work i felt able to shift the other parts that wanted to be paid attention to away, began to understand how work can be something people prioritise over relationships, how it can be distracting to the point where it could convince you that it was enough - but it felt sad to me to pick that as my favourite moment of 2014, surely there must have been something else - anyway i spent the rest of the concert turning parts of the year over and realising that i don't really like seeing live bands anymore, the whole time i kept looking at my phone and waiting for it to end so i could listen to it alone in my room. on the way back though i thought of the memory that i could say was my fav without lying and it's this:
at the end of august i had just finished my summer internship, and finally had the time to rest / close my eyes - i felt really happy about completing it & doing it well; that weekend ben & i went to marseilles. it was the first city that neither of us had previously been to before, it felt new, as though it could offer the possibility of renewal. on the third or fourth day in france that ben & i took a day trip out of marseilles to cassis, a tiny town by the sea. it was so hot, the sun was stripping our skin; we got down from the bus and looked for a place to get sunblock & a bottle of water, had ice cream by the pier, then followed the road that curved around the beach, up past palm trees, large bungalows, hiking towards the calanques. there weren’t many people around, & the hills cast a half-shadow over the path we were taking. the path got narrow fast, cutting close to the edge, but the mediterranean ocean was on our left the whole time - deepest of blues & a salty breeze. i was quiet mostly, listening to ben talk, feeling happy being here with him. and then the pine trees before us opened up into a clearing, which dropped down into a cove. i felt shocked at how beautiful it was - i’ve never seen anything like it, except in moonrise kingdom. there were people sun-bathing on the rocks and sand & several others floating/paddling in the ocean. the waters were so beautiful, clear all the way through. ben & i took off our shirts - i was wearing a swimsuit underneath - it was the first time we went swimming together. and lying there in the waters i realised for the first time in ages i wasn’t thinking about anything - not thinking about things that had just happened or things that were about to happen; not thinking about myself or anyone - i was just there, floating, happy - http://shabbydollhouse.tumblr.com/post/106506355465/internet-people-reflect-on-2014-part-3
i guess the main thing about 2014 - the biggest thing - was the day that i sat at the cafe near caledonian road station working on notes for psych exam and ben skyped me to say that he received an offer from soas - the biggest thing about this year was that the relationship i was in - for two years, long distance - turned into one in which we, for the first time, lived in the same city - the boy who flew to singapore to meet me for the first time two years ago - which is a really big deal, that i should be happy about, we get to see each other everyday and i wouldn't want anything else. but this still makes me cry. and sometimes i look back at this year and am amazed at how i finally got what i wanted and waited for, for two years, that somehow we managed to find our way into irl together. but when i pause and look at the past few months i can't seem to trace more than a few moments of undistilled happiness, ( but not because this isn't enough ) - and yet i would cry even more if i/he left

but also i am so much more than this relationship, not even defined by it, it is easy to harden your heart against unforgiveness but that's not the way out either. there are all here are some other things that i feel good about: spending most of the year with the best flat mate ever aka rowan bell-bentley, hell becoming a group of people/actual(?) friends and doing dinners/chill weekends together, not just high partying or for 'wild times', getting to know some people better like laura and kiera and becky and nathalia and liking them so much, completing second year with an overall 69 ;) completing the three month long internship without fucking up and forming good relationships with my bosses, eating whatever i want whenever i want to and realising i'm not going to balloon and there's nothing to be afraid of re food, putting out a really good third issue for galavant, QUITTING SMOKING

anyway here are some of the things that became very true this year: that after some point in time happiness becomes something you work towards and have to choose - i could fixate on the things that happened this year that make me so sad, or turn away from it to get through it - that a thing doesn't just end after it happens you can't seal it away in its own memory, it becomes part of your timeline, for the rest of your life, even if it's possible to minimize its impact or influence over what is to come you can't pretend it didn't happen and that's what is important to remember when you make split second decisions (it's what you forget when you make split second decisions)


things i can remember about the year

january: spending new year's eve with ben by marina bay, walking back towards bras basah and mom picking us up in a car, new year's day brunch at greg's house, going back to london and starting the new term, doing a 22nd birthday party with a bunch of people at hartham house with great gatsby theme

february: jailbreak with max and rowan, running towards kings college and stealing black tape, blagging our way onto the national express coach, getting into germany, then leipzig & dresden & poland then prague; coming home feverish on the plane, hearing the doorbell ring and ben being outside, doing valentine's day together at momo's and then the first time at the drowned man with eve, silent disco party, when the sainsbury's cookies were 50p, nights at szu yoong's place (fav neighbours<3

march: starting to sketch again, going to brighton for bertie's birthday, the week i cycled with kiera on barclays bike to the gal show, going to the drowned man with max and rowan (second time) being sad as hell & maybe the saddest all year, becky staying over one night and sketching with me, preparing for end of term essays, greg's 21st birthday, going for the drowned man with him, mom and dad being around, tbqh 3 at ash's house, susie stacey's birthday in norwich one of the best nights of the year

april: tbqh 3, studying for exams ~


may: exams, james coming to stay with me, DONE W EXAMS! having a party at mine the night before flying to beijing, getting off the plane and realising my luggage was left behind in london, taking a bus down to ben's school and surprising ben he didn't think i was coming at all, staying in three different hotels, things to write a million poems for the rest of summer to come

june: getting back to london, ben arriving on a plane two hours after me, paintball with becky rowan max and kiera and ben, the basc end of year summer ball, field day, doing summer nights in primrose hill on the way to max's house, barcelona with james kiera tasha and eileen, sonar by day and by night, working in cafes alone and writing poems, moving out of hartham house and into tassia' flat and living alone, starting internship at ubs on the 16th of june

july: working mostly, walking to work everyday the hottest day of the year where we played lawn bowls and everyone burned in the sun, crispin and mat's birthday in bethnal green doing karaoke, going up to norwich w rodrigo for anna's hot tub party, ben moving to london!!


august: ending internship, nights out sometimes (i don't rmb)

september: marseilles, going back to singapore for a week and a half ok i am running out of time bc i need to get ready for dinner (max is here <3) so i am going to type quickly

november: paris and school i guess, oh and going back to singapore

december: galavant poetry reading, ben's parents coming and leaving on christmas eve and spending christmas with rowan's family, coming back to london and spending days quiet and alone and two nights ago dinner with rowan and matt and his sister at tuktuk and yesterday (30th) korean hotpot with hell and now max is over and in a bit we're going for dinner + meeting hell for party ~

typing all of this even in brief and looking through photos of 2014 made me feel ok/happy, i didn't write a lot this year but the things that i did write i feel happy about - and i remembered how important writing (even posts like this) is to me in allowing me to feel like i've stored these memories/thoughts externally and therefore can let go of them; when i began writing this post and thinking about things i mostly felt wistful/sad BUT right now, where i am, all of those things both good and bad are about to be in the past, and i'm ready for 2015 : )

happy new year everyone ~