i feel like my cat is more sensitive to sound than sight or smell

empty word documents feel like something i need to avoid
i thought learning how to drive would be way harder but the hour and forty minutes that i spend in the car every saturday and sunday morning is such a pleasure, not having to think about anything, a video game that i'm good at, making turns without any fear, feeling the car respond under a light touch

at the cdc school you get a blue booklet and after every lesson the driving instructor gives you chops for each subject that you've been cleared for, i had my sixth lesson today and have completed half the booklet (y)

fell asleep with a fever this afternoon and watched tangerine (2015) - fwm and i'm sin-dee forty minutes into the film plucking a skinny crying bitch from the bathroom of a motel and dragging her around the city till her feet bleed

listening to Anti and rubbing fig's belly
"Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
lmao i'm bawling reading this article http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/it-happened-me-my-boyfriend-died 
downloaded a new app that lets me post via my phone
for a while was thinking of using tumblr bc the mobile app functions better but this works hehe

now i can type things all the time & not just when i'm home using my laptop

one cool thing i did recently was get a kindle paperwhite .. really excited about that going to return ben's old kindle to him. also realised that on lib gen i had been searching "science fiction" instead of "fiction" which is why i couldn't find all the titles i wanted to read, z pointed that out and after that i downloaded like 30 books

reading i love dick now

this weekend eve and i went for a "immersive theatre" thing in joo chiat quick review it was terrible. on saturday i saw caroline she came over and after dinner jun came over with tau huay

tau huay and char siu bao are in my top 10 fav breakfasts

over the weekend also watched all of the second season of transparent, it's very good, cried so much during the last episode

remembering what it was like when i was twenty makes my throat tighten, so i don't think about it

feel constantly triggered by twitter but can't articulate why exactly that's the case

deleted the corporate app that allows me to check work emails from my phone so it's not the first thing i look at when i wake up in the mornings

there's this sweet i really like, it's the shape & length of spaghetti but a sour strawberry thing, that sometimes comes in tape form, and has tiny grains of sugar coating it i think it's bc i always bought that at the cinema as a kid and ate it during the film .. can only find it at select 7/11 outlets tho

writing is a way of feeling less lonely right ?

paid 2 change my username on okc bc i was dumb enough to pick herbonestrcture as my username lmao then someone messaged me saying "hey i used to read ur blog"
*dies a little bit*

all the parts of my job that i like best and am best at have to do with writing

one of my new year resolutions this year was to never step into a shopping mall again but that's not working out, duh, my office is in a tower of a shopping mall

my "now that i work i can afford" indulgence is only drinking fiji water

Sent from my iPhone
“I think that I am your ideal reader—or that, the ideal reader is one who is in love with the writer & combs the text for clues about that person & how they think—

(through love I am teaching myself how to think)—looking at the text as the way in
–I Love Dick, Chris Kraus
some things since coming home

-stopped drinking diet coke
-phased out dairy and eggs
-stopped smoking for good

some other things in january

-started driving lessons at cdc
-updated goodreads profile
-gave fig a bath for first time
-cleaned fig's ear w/ cotton buds
-downloaded application form
-looked at flights to bangkok
-weighed myself for fun
-skyped rowan yesterday for an hour

last saturday z and i and his brother
went for a gig thing at the artistry
in the queue at 7/11 felt like the
law re: no drinking applied
in a discernible way then
found a cool party in an open-air
car park with a giant rotating fan

i always feel anxious and it feels like
my mouth is always full of water

i like being able to take the last train home
i mean, i like leaving before the last train leaves

swing between feeling like i'm good at my job and bad at my job

reading this book called 'theory of the young girl'
that chris gave me as a farewell present before i left london
some things:
- new york is really like the capital of hunger games ie. a place of privilege in so many ways (not just wealth)
- money is a glossy layer/allows you to be subversive bc ppl are like ‘oh yeah…. he’s doing [thing that’s controversial & not the norm & sth that would would be derided by most ppl/seen as weird] but it’s now acceptable bc [glossiness of money/power]
- condensed milk makes everything better

the other day in the office I smelt honey and felt entranced by the smell of it and found myself walking around in a slight daze trying to find the source of it

feel like my eyesight is progressively getting worse and find myself squinting especially when I take pictures with my phone, but on the other hand, have noticed hearing things from a far distance in a way that I maybe wasn’t aware that I was attuned to, like walking down the stairs (my room is on the top/fourth floor) the other day i heard a slight buzzing noise and when i walked into the dining room, realized that someone had left the fan on

typing and writing about my day always feels so good. my mom is in Osaka for the week so I’ve been taking the train to work in the mornings, having the first hour of my day to myself without interacting with anyone puts me in a good/calm mindset. dad goes to bed early and sometimes without even saying hi to me so i spend whole days alone like i'm living alone

yesterday after work i met my cousins for dinner, i’m the oldest amongst them and a good three to five years, and then nine years older than the youngest one, and they were like…. when we turn 21 you’ll be 26 :”(

also interesting to interact w everyone without our parents around, after leaving dinner I realized that I had a certain impression of them, or assuming the impression I have towards their parents/my aunts and uncles would be true for them as well, instead of thinking of them as individuals… i mean, duh but u know

like everyone i am strongest when i feel loved

forgot that I had left my ask fm open instead of disabling it so I have a bunch of questions from over the past six months or so but ok: http://ask.fm/herbonestructure