i got a thing for u

i downloaded an app called sleep meister which is a way of measuring your sleep patterns and it makes me excited to go to bed and wake up with more information about the way i have been sleeping.. this morning i woke up and showed my mom that my sleep efficiency has decreased to 38.1% which is upsetting.... not very efficient at all.... mom said it might not actually be accurate, which is true, i feel like i can see how receiving information that demonstrates a negative sleep experience would lead me to feel like i did sleep badly, but i feel like it does confirm my negative experience

finished my last essay of the whole year and i feel good about it, took a while to get it done but i feel like the past few essays i handed in for second year were rushed, like i didn't give myself enough time and left it till the last three days then spent those three days trying to wedge my eyelids open and losing sleep to increasingly incoherent word documents. so i feel ok about this one, philosophy essays are always a bitch i think because you spend ages picking apart the premises and then grant the argument some concessions in order to move forward and analyze its successive claims

parents are in london for the next two weeks and i've been sleeping over at the place they are staying at and it's funny how familiar their movements are and how around them i feel like a child again although it never feels like a compromise on my personality, just slipping into certain habits and motions again. i often forget that my dad had a tiny stroke last summer and i was just thinking about the conversation i had with him on the plane before that happened, and even now i feel like i am able to have strong conversations with him and trust him to let me finish my sentences and that he trusts that i have explanations for the things i want or believe in. today i left the apartment thinking i have the best dad in the world, like i really love him

last week saturday eve stayed over and before that i was at the cafe i'm usually at studying with my sister, and then the three of us had dinner together. after my sister left eve and i made a list of the people we would want to invite to our wedding, just because that would be the next big thing, and assuming that that would even be a thing that happens.. there are some people who will always be on that list, even if they aren't involved in our immediate lives, and yesterday kiera and i watched short term 12 which was a really nice movie to watch, anyway there was a girl who was about 14 or 15 who was in the short term faculty(?)/place where seemingly troubled children/young delinquents lived, for a while, anyway i was thinking about how, like at 15 there might be someone who had an impact on my life then.. but like, at 15 you're not really thinking about years beyond that, and how out of touch i feel with the things that happened then, i don't really know where i'm leading with this thought. but i was talking about the list of friends eve and i were making, i was listing her friends, and she was listing mine, and it's nice to know that either of us know and are able to name the people we consider most important to us. and eve said, what does it mean then, that we're spending time with people we don't think will be around in the next couple of years, and i said yeah that's interesting to consider, like what the conditions are for believing someone will still be around, although to a certain extent if we begin cutting off/believing that we shouldn't 'invest'(?) time in people we don't think will be around, that will only make it more true

the other thing that happened last week was that ben texted to say that he got a grad school offer and will be in london this september, when he said that i felt a mixture of shock/surprise/happiness and like.. paralyzed with that information, i guess because for so long and always the nature of our relationship was one that involved distance, and i felt like i couldn't begin to imagine what it would be like to not think of him as leaving, or being left, even though that would be something that i want. felt like i killed the biggest boss in a video game, and my screen was saying game over you've won, like some kind of relief in killing the game, but then life still continues.. or something.. when he told me that i tried calling eve and she was making lasagna and so didn't pick up immediately but eventually did and later she whatsapped me saying 'sharing the big moments<3' which is nice, i didn't think about it that way but i guess that's what i was doing

i've been wearing the cap that szu yoong lent me all the time and now i am used to the top part of my vision being obscured by a little black ledge

need to start 'installing' exam/studying routine the way i had set things up last year.. seems so hard to sleep early and to wake up feeling refreshed, keep thinking i should start exercising again so that i'll be tired enough to fall asleep. sister and dad pointed out that i had lost weight, without me actively trying to, and last week when we stayed over at greg's hotel i decided to weigh myself with the bathroom scales i found under the sink, and i was surprised at my weight.. haven't weighed myself in years.. end of story..

now it is time to return to psychology, because i will start getting anxious about this week ending and not getting work done, if i keep typing things here

important announcement:
ben got into grad school in london!
congratulations baby i love you
our long distance thing is coming to an end

if it wasn't for u from natalie chin on Vimeo.

here's a video i made for shabby doll house's DOLL REVOLUTION. in lucy's email to me she said "some things which feels near constant in the lives of almost everyone we know are the themes of distance, longing and loneliness. we often live far away from our friends or families or ‘significant other’ for whatever reason, and it’s really hard! and simultaneously alleviated and exasperated by the internet...

the idea that we have, is to invite several of our favorite artists (you) to make a video informed by these feelings... but we don’t want you to make a sad video, we want you to make a video inspired by how you cope with this, about how you view your position in the world and how it helps you to see what is important in life.

does that make sense?

the video doesn’t have to contain poetry or words at all, though it can do if you want it to. you can really do whatever you want. we’re asking you because we believe that you have the propensity to make something beautiful.

the only guidelines i’m thinking are: make it less than 5 minutes & upload it to vimeo, not youtube, (obviously if you have any further questions or just want to talk about it, you can message us at any time)"

i'm happy she asked me to do this because i probably wouldn't have bothered putting the 'footage' i had taken over the past few months together if not for this.. watching it makes me happy because here are all the people i've met in the past two years that i like a lot

at athena's flat right now having a studying session, earlier this morning we met for lunch and had sushi then walked down from euston to russell square then to covent garden to look at things and then walked to temple... it's the easter holidays now and i just looked at my exam timetable and my first exam is on the first of may, which seems ok, i only have three exams and they are well spaced out and i feel okay about tackling them. i had a nice weekend it was greg's birthday dinner on friday and stacey's birthday in norwich on saturday night and shandy's birthday dinner last night and today i bought a black shirt and i feel like from where i am right now i can see the end of things