yesterday was such a nice day, as part of berthold's birthday a whole bunch of us from arts & sciences hung out in brighton by the sea. all of last week i thought i have a lot of work to do & i really need to get things done so i shouldn't play this weekend, but on saturday night after staying in all day i decided to book a ticket to get to brighton. the weather has been nice lately & i've been making myself sleep earlier in order to wake up earlier and get more hours of sunlight. i got to brighton at 1pm & pretty much just stayed on the beach with becky fatma & jonny having fish & chips & ice cream until everyone else turned up. felt like i hadn't had a nice day out in a long time without being aware of all the other things i should be doing. when the boys came down they decided to jump into the sea which wasn't a great idea & earlier becky and i had paddled around with our tights rolled up & the water/pebbles were so cold it was painful.
later on we made a fire to roast vegetables & to set up a grill for burgers and then the sun turned red as it was setting over the brighton pier, so beautiful & nice to be there with a bunch of people who were chill/happy & willing to put up with the cold. i've felt recently that it seems important that the people you like hanging out with are as willing as you are to do things that aren't immediately in your comfort zone, or maybe to have a similar size comfort zone that you do, and are also willing to do things without that being contingent on someone else doing it. complicated way of saying it's nice to be friends who like/are willing to do things you want to do & also nice to have friends who think independently (?) whatever that really means. but yeah also it was nice getting out of london for a while & to have before your eyes something other than the same things you look at all the time
it was dark by the time vicki came by after she was done with work and then we sat on the beach with beers just catching up on things that have happened since the last time i saw her which was in november. vicki said she needed to pee & i said ok me too so we walked to burger king to use the bathroom but the bk person said the toilet is only for customers so we walked back out and decided to pee at a secluded part of the beach. vicki went first and i looked up and realized we were right beneath the ferris wheel and said thank god it's empty and then vicki said ok i'm done your turn and i said i can't pee, i get stressed when i know someone else can hear me pee, but she said you can do it and so i bent down and covered my face with my hands and laughed while peeing and then i was done and we ran back towards the beach laughing.
just a reminder to myself to remember to do things for yourself (the things that you don't have to do/things you need to make time for in order to do, that also make you happy)
it's monday some time in march & i spent most of today at a cafe which is a five minutes walk from where i live working on my german project which is due tomorrow. working on german is difficult because i am mostly relying on google translate which is notoriously inaccurate, and dict.cc, which isn't entirely helpful when you have to choose between four or five given words that are synonymous/have very subtle differences which aren't immediately obvious. on the way back home i thought about how some things make me feel like i should speak less and whether i should avoid those things. conversely thinking about the past academic year, and how that has been different than my first year, the thing that has changed the most, maybe, is me being ok with or being willing to get to know people other than the ones i am already familiar or comfortable with which is good because there are more people i like now than in the past
i downloaded an app called 'headspace' which is a meditation app. i like closing my eyes and listening to someone tell me what to do, and to concentrate on my breathing pattern and the way it feels when my body is in contact with my bed. one of the things the voiceover/narrator says each time is that when things are calmer, or when you've consciously minimized the white noise around you, it is possible then to discern the underlying moods your body has. the last time i was listening to him say that was when i was on the train to brighton, and i thought 'i don't know what my body feels, nothing and everything really.' if i think about my underlying moods my first thought is there are so many things going on, right now, that i have to do or contend with, and i guess being aware of that my first instinct is to perceive that as negative, but really all i have to do is be aware of it and systematically deal with them, instead of feeling overrwhelmed
here are a list of things that i have to do/will be doing/have to make decisions about, listed in chronological order of things that will happen within this week - the furthest part of the future i can see:
this week, completing & handing in german project, picking up my macbook tomorrow, working on 3d scanning & printing an object for tech & art class, meeting ex-bf for lunch, nude sketching class, which i am excited about, meeting lucy for dinner, going to art exhibition on thursday & meeting some people for the first time, drowned man play on friday with rowan and max, figuring out who/where to stay with next year & whether i'd take up ucl's offer on free accommodation during the summer, getting internship confirmation/rejection from a firm, making a video for jailbreak/lucy, finishing blog post about jailbreak, potluck dinner with flat f girls, parents coming up to london on the last week of school which is also the weekend of greg's birthday & stacey's birthday and possibly going to norwich with everyone, deciding whether i should go to brussels when susie is here during easter break when i should be saving up more + there are final exams in may, which is also when james is coming up, thinking abt money & whether i can afford to/have time to see ben in summer, which also depends on which internship i do, thinking all the time about the books i want to read and books i haven't been reading. now that i have written this down i feel better, i don't have to think about this for a while
anyway last week i watched star wars part four and then part one, two, three, and also the movie say anything. i used to have a list of all the movies i have watched, but that's locked in the macbook that i should be getting back tomorrow. today i spoke to a person from the repair company and he said that all the data was recovered! but i will have to see if that is actually true i guess
the other thing i have been thinking about over the last few days and been keeping tabs on is the disappearance of the malaysia airlines plane. i was reading an article about it & was thinking about the magnetism of tragedy, how or why interest is fostered & then sustained in a different way than other frequent & maybe equally horrific one-off murders/tragedies. and also how people begin to own it, in a certain sense, by relating to it. for example my sister's friend's friend is on that plane, and also, it was the same route that ben took to get back to beijing when he visited singapore over christmas. but what does that mean really, or what do i mean when i say that, that it isn't as distant an event as it seems, or that you can relate to the pain because you can imagine what someone else might be going through, or imagine that someone you love could have been on that plane & as such can empathize with what's going on. i don't know. i feel like maybe one reason for this is the way it has not yet been resolved & is happening in real-time, & i guess to me it seems like a reminder that a seemingly routine or normal thing like getting on the plane could be an out-lier, "life-changing" event. having read through several articles it seems like one of the reasons for interest in this is the lack of information available which would be able to serve as explanation for what happened on saturday, i was thinking about this in relation to the discussions re causation in metaphysics class & i guess the "human" urge to need to find an explanation for something, in order to make sense of things. it seems like the biggest impulse as well is to find a way to prevent things, or trying to think of ways in which this could have been pre-emptively identified and as such avoided, when to me, while this/avoiding this is necessary, it's also true being able to dictate & control factors that would directly affect this is also subject to [the uncertainty of everything] that could blow the situation out of the waters. yesterday on the way home i prayed that things will come to light; i have been thinking about the fact that i have been praying more often than i would have in the past, and what that means or implies besides the fact that i believe in God, more about the fact that in hours/times when hope seems to be fading i would like to believe/or believe that there is something bigger than the chaos that exists & that God-given order exists, i am interested in understanding why i feel compelled to believe in that i guess, and whether that is any different from believing that causation is an objective mind-independent feature of reality
ben left almost three weeks ago now and i am getting used to it, slowly. sometimes i feel like i should teach myself, like i can & have done in the past to stop caring because that is one way of making the missing hurt less, but also there are active ways of teaching yourself to care less (which don't work as well) & passive ways, which is to occupy your time with other things, hanging out with other people & realizing that in doing that you're not even feeling alone, or missing anyone else. so getting used to ben being gone is really getting used to liking being alone, and sometimes liking being with yourself & your own thoughts more than being with someone else!
here is a poem i wrote
lick my nose
with your face so close to mine
i can watch your tongue more carefully
you know i hate it when you
lick my nose but you do it anyway
and i let you because i like me most
when i am the girl who makes you laugh
a lot of times lately i think that i hate the things i express, but mostly because i am thinking about how they will be received, but then i think it's important that at one point in time i felt like this was something i needed to express, even though it might not be something i identify with now, and also not something that i want to be thought of as being a part of me. it's important, anyway/regardless
also last week i re-read tweets from when ben was here in february and remembered that we had an intense tickling session and remembered thinking then, while i was being tickled/was tickling him, being surprised that we had not done that before. sometimes i look at our old emails, which i do when he is not awake and i miss him, and think that what i will always miss most is june 2012/when we were getting to know each other & meeting each other for the first time, and then i think maybe we should stop because it will never be that fun or new again! then i remember that i don't like anyone as much as i like him and that there are still a lot of new & cool things for us to do & think ok i am ok with staying in this relationship/waiting (to ben if you are reading this but not if you're mean! & also you can do anything you want to do/shouldn't not do anything because of me)
now i am going to look at a recipe to make stuffed aubergine because all i have eaten today is raw tofu with sesame oil & soy sauce (breakfast) & a cappucino plus white chocolate chip cookies from sainsburys for lunch and it is 7pm! on a monday! and i feel ok about tackling the rest of german & figuring other things out! and also i forgot about the tea i made an hour ago