(if you're in london you should come to the first of our series of Galavant Evenings! it will be a poetry reading which will be next friday evening! really excited about this because after a month of trying to sort out venues we finally found a place, and i'm really happy. i wish galavant was something i could work on full time because doing things for it never feels effortful, and i can feel myself giving my best without needing to force myself too. kind of sad because leon and jerrold who i had thought / had said that they would be around in london next week won't be here .. so there won't be any singaporean readers.. which i guess shouldn't be a huge concern if we aren't branding ourselves as an international magazine. even then, having been too a bunch of poetry readings where i guess, after a while, a lot of the same people from london end up reading, i thought it would have been really nice to have a mix of local/british poets, also i love leon's poems and would have wanted everyone to meet each other. but anyway i still think it will be a really nice evening, it will also be the last day of term & the beginning of the christmas break)

it's 9am on a saturday, last night i drifted in and out of sleep it seems, i remember waking up several times to pee and feeling annoyed at my body; this morning around 7am i decided to roll out of bed and have a cold chicken pie and green tea. now i am at a cafe near my house and i have a lot of work to do but i thought it would be nice to type out some things i thought about yesterday, it feels really nice to start my day slowly, like this, typing whatever i want to, instead of coercing my brain to spit out coherent analysis

of late i have found myself feeling annoyed by one particular individual, i guess in these circumstances it's not always possible to remove yourself from the situation, but it leaves me feeling [?????] (not that i don't know how i feel, but when the person says something, usually, my response is a million question marks). anyway, this morning i was thinking about how, typically, things said by one person to another are usually said in confidence, or at least the sense that like, yeah i trust this person enough to tell her what i really think, and so when i think about that, i remind myself that maybe that trust should be respected - like if a person says to you, i don't like this, the fact that it's being said to you means that person feels comfortable sharing his or her opinion, and i value that, mostly

but on the other hand if the things being said are really bizarre & demonstrate a lack of awareness of privilege & a desire to construct identity solely around the belief that one has better taste than everyone else + the ability to flash that wealth.. seems really.. placing the same importance on things that only matter because other people think they do, and once you smash that construct everything you placed value in vanishes.. i guess the funny thing is like, when you think and talk about yourself as being different from everyone else around you but you are the same. and also - if you're measuring yourself (how different) from other people you're still focusing on the values/standards generated by society

anyway i thought about this again this morning, while on my way here, and realised i guess that i dislike feeling ruffled by people around me, and have therefore over the last few years orchestrated my life such that such people are at an arm's length where whatever they might choose to do does not intrude upon my life - but this isn't always possible - and in the end, instead of complaining / trying to have someone else confirm the truth of my opinion, i should take it as a reminder to not be all of those things that i don't like - because i want to be kind and generous and to be open & willing to love to give of my time, and be a good person. funny how years ago i was like what's good / bad (still valid questions) but abandoned the difficulty of that enquiry and was like haha it doesn't matter just look out for yourself. that's still true to a certain extent and giving of yourself allows for the likelihood of being taken advantage of, etc., but i think the joy you get from sharing, or the pursuit of "being good" still means something.. like there was a study i read, i think of concentration camp survivors during the holocaust, and how the groups that managed to survive were the ones who shared everything/food they had, and how when a person began to keep things only for him/herself, that's how the rest knew that that individual wasn't going to make it - i think that seems really interesting to me, like how living for someone else allows you to be stronger, and i can see that i think, in my mother, and can imagine how having a child some day would be something i would draw strength from in some sense; like if it was just me, i'd give up, because i don't always value myself, or see a point in trying - but already, with ben, i have felt myself trying

hunger games mockingjay review ~:

last night ben and i watched the hunger games, booked it twenty minutes before the show began; we had dinner with laura at woo jung which is my favourite place to have korean food now, although i think the yuke dolsot bibimbap at soho's bibimbap is a lot better than the one here, this place has really amazing hotpot and soondubu + rice, which i crave very often now that it's getting a lot colder. we took the tube down to camden to the cinema there, which is funny because that's where i watched the first installment of the series three years ago. i watched the previous two movies when i was in singapore last week, and when katniss volunteers for prim i still cry! i liked watching this movie and felt able to be absorbed into that reality, which i think is in general, how i tell whether i enjoyed something - like if i'm thinking, did they have to act that scene repeatedly to film it from different angles, this looks photoshopped, i can't really enjoy it as entertainment as much, which is the point i think/what i seek, some kind of respite from this reality - but i did keep waiting / wanting to see a scene in which the propaganda clips katniss shot were broadcasted to the rest of the districts, and the crowds' reactions - so much of this film was abt getting a revolution started via the mockingjay symbol and i think that would have made it feel a lot more rewarding. haha i haven't really blogged about movies i've watched in years, i used to a lot i think. i'm going to type things about some other movies/things i watched recently

the way we go - review/thoughts (http://www.shiok.sg/2014/the-way-we-go-singapore-production/)

this was a play i watched in singapore with eve two weeks ago, it was on a tuesday night i think. i had met up with eve a day or two ago, and she was like hey there's this play showing for a week do you want to go. and i read the synopsis and it seemed interesting - i'm interested in older characters and always interested in the subject of love - so i said ok. it was held at sota and i hadn't walked around the building before, it's so pretty. i kind of wish that had been an option when i was younger, but then again thinking back at what i was like at 12 (? is that the age they do it idk) i'd hardly say that i could identify a clear interest in any arts pathway. anyway, this play unfolded around the death of the principal of a catholic girls' secondary school - introducing the five characters at the scene of her funeral, then re-tracing the development of their relationships from several (eight?) years ago.

the five characters: the principal, agatha (in her fifties/sixties, but played by a brilliant and beautiful lydia look who really held her own); an insufferable grumpy old man who was her late-life lover; an english teacher named violet who introduced the grumpy man to agatha/he was her cousin; two female students - one the head prefect & the other i guess styled as defiant/breaking the rules often/being thought of as other teachers as a disruptive student, girls who were best friends who then began a long-term relationship during & after secondary school, up until about a year or so before the death of the principal

there were several things i liked about it; what seemed immediately impressive was how - i guess this is maybe a point people tend to make? and i don't know if it is valid because we should be able to move past saying this..? - despite it being a local/singaporean play and much of the laughter arising from jokes that one could only find funny if you grew up here - it was very much a story about themes larger than any one place - ones that i felt able to relate to - about growing older and the hope & comfort that one can find in someone else, i guess making your own standards - like when violet urges agatha + grumpy man to get married instead of just moving in together without doing so, agatha's response is something along the lines of why, it literally doesn't matter. i think as i grow older.. when i see people in their late fifties/sixties i don't think about my parents, i think of what i will be like then. i really liked how the focus of this play were the older characters & that the two younger characters served as foils instead; it seems like maybe it's the other way around, like young love is what people write about. i felt like many of the emotions drawn out seemed genuine, instead of what you'd suppose one would feel given the situation - like the late-life disappointment that i can imagine myself feeling, after an accumulation of a lifetime of events, i think.

also, omfg when violet/the english teacher came on stage to scold the disruptive student, i felt immediately hauled back to memories of interactions with my english teacher in secondary school - i guess i was a pretty bad student :/ i haven't really written about the way i was back then - english teacher used to pull me out of class and tell me that she's really disappointed in me for not trying harder & that i had so much potential :/ - but yeah it's like weird to recall how for those four years of your life in secondary school when that's kind of your whole world, your teachers have so much power? authority? over you, and how that may prompt reactions of defiance, but once you leave that environment you find yourself becoming everything they asked of you

the other thing that was interesting was when the principal caught the head girl and other girl kissing in the staff toilets, i thought that was a really interesting scene. the head girl immediately burst into tears and sobbed out, 'i'm sorry!' which i found like, funny/annoying/pretty representative of students who were accorded with prefect status / obviously part of that privilege is being bestowed with every teacher liking you more... and that's probably part of the envy/bolsters sense of moral superiority. and how years later you're like oh yeah that girl used to be a prefect remember?? the other reason why i found this scene interesting was because the principal's reaction wasn't like, condemnation - despite the fact that it occurred in a catholic school - when she asked the students why they chose the staff toilets one of the girls said 'because we didn't want the other students to find out' and the principal's reaction was 'it's not the other girls you need to hide this from, it's the teachers. the girls may be cruel, callous, may bully you for it - but eventually they will forget. the adults are the ones who will try to change you' (indicating, as she did earlier,  i think, that she also was interested in a girl while she was in school) feel like that's pretty accurate and true - about the people you grow up with forgetting & about the way adults exact their beliefs on you

fell asleep during the last ten mins or so of the play because i was really jetlagged :/  eve said it was really good and they wrapped up several plot lines really well, i trust her opinion. felt nice to go for a thing with eve together again, i really really miss when we walked around the various years' singapore biennale. eve has gotten a job at the new national art gallery (although qi says it has a different name now? because they don't want to do an acronym that's NAG..? idk) & i'm really happy for her, like any place would be incredibly blessed to have her because she's so good at everything she does i want to work with her some day

seirei no moribito - guardian of the soul

this is a 26 episode anime series that i watched in november with ben, mostly while we were in paris, that i really really loved. i haven't watched a lot of anime, and mostly have only watched ones that ben has recommended/watched ones with him, i think the reason i don't feel drawn to cartoons & maybe the style of anime is because i have (the maybe false?) impression that there are very often giant chaotic battles in which a lot of things happen all too quickly.. idk... anyway this series differed from that impression in that it had really beautiful and slow pacing, a large portion of the episodes were dedicated to the development of the relationship between the main characters in isolation - balsa, female body-guard/spear-wielder/foreigner in this land which is styled after japan and chagum, eleven years old maybe, second prince to the throne - like while the plot thickened and their journey had a specific direction, events occurred in a way that allowed them to develop strong & convincing emotional bonds to each other - also really liked that the 'hero' of the show was a cool girl who didn't play up to any stereotypes - none of the males had an overinflated ego that needed to be shot - anyway i really liked this and would recommend it - when i was back in singapore szu yoong and i hung out for a bit and i told him about it and he said he had seen images of it and it seemed interesting so he was definitely going to watch it which made me happy

ok this is the longest thing i've typed in ages and i want to get a coffee because i've spent all my essay energy on writing this... :(
7am — fell asleep last night around 9pm and woke up at 2.30am, stayed in bed using my phone for a while and reading the news until i decided to cut my losses, get to the kitchen and start making tea. the walk to school was really nice, the streets were quiet and most of the bus stops were empty. i was wearing a heat tech, a sweater, a padded vest, a scarf and a thick coat but i started stripping off layers half-way through because i was beginning to sweat. it feels really good to be up this early and to have a whole day of productivity still possible - i think that's why waking up late feels bad - because there's less room for possibility - and i think hope, for things to be good, always resides in possibility

on the way here i was thinking about how i spent most of my first year sleeping at 3 or 4am, leaving the library at those hours, then sleeping in till 11 or 12pm and how many of those nights alone, before i had become much closer to the friends i have now, felt sweet, smoking out of my window in my room, feeling hazy. i think for a long time the reason it was hard for me to give up smoking was because it felt like something that was mine alone, not a social thing, but like a habit that belonged to only me - especially when no one knew i smoked at first - and even now, a lot of the memories of being really alone have a certain kind of texture that involves smoking, like i can't separate the feel of cigarettes from the loneliness, and there is still a sweetness to it i think. but i feel really good for stopping, i feel so much less tired, and fresh air is a joy for my lungs, and i've been able to develop healthy sleeping patterns again - and my skin has been the best its been in years..? it's kind of insane, i've never thought of myself as having good [anything physical] but right now my skin seems translucent, like the way you'd want your skin to look after you put make-up, dewy and really smooth... not going to trade that for cigarettes

the flight back to london was ok, at the check-in counter my mom was like is there an empty seat next to her chair? and the guy said yes. and i said but there's someone next to the window, and i'm next to the aisle, so who knows mom maybe the other person might take the centre seat before me i don't really feel comfortable doing that. and my mom was like no sit in the centre seat! and then you have that + your original seat.. so i did that... kind of feel bad, but i had a really nice flight - fell asleep for three or four hours each time and would wake up occasionally to check the flight path. i really really like airplane food for some reason, i think maybe the way there are so many tiny little compartments/boxes of salads & jams & dessert things. we got to london an hour ahead of schedule, and i was afraid ben hadn't woken up on time / checked to see what time the flight would be getting in. the woman sitting next to me said the same thing too, she wasn't sure if her husband was going to be there. when i switched my phone on though i got an email from ben saying that he had already left and was going to be there in time to meet me, and i felt really happy. getting through airport security / border checks was a lot quicker than i thought, although in hindsight over the past year or so i've always gotten out in under thirty minutes - maybe because things have improved or maybe because i always pick flights that arrive really early

anyway i collected my bags and walked through the gates and scanned the crowd slowly for ben's face, and then spotted him and my heart did a giant flip that i didn't even expect it to - seeing him irl always feels frightening, like my first reaction is something like extreme trepidation, like my body knows something very very important is about to happen and it's trying to back away because it means that [stability/status quo] is going to change. i'm always.. really shocked.. at how tall / beautiful he is, and confused as to what someone like him is doing with someone like me.. in the previous post i was saying that i felt less in love..? but being around him again is so beautiful, even though we quickly establish wife life routines, like cooking and taking turns to clean and nagging each other about taking our medication, it still feels like the biggest thrill in my life. that's the one thing i'm really thankful for, finding someone who gets it and gets me :)))

my back is beginning to hurt a lot tho despite taking painkillers; a lot of times when i try to stretch my back i think about the chairs in the living room in the flat i lived in last year and how they were the perfect height/width/sturdiness for me to stretch my back over and like, i should have taken one with me when we moved out >:( going to see my physiotherapist again today and he's been stretching the knots in my neck - they are really bad and horrifyingly tight - and he said what the person who did a massage for me in singapore said - that the strength he uses to press my knots usually make grown men cry (person in singapore was like wah zhe me da li ah! wo zhe yang an ni bie tong ma? ru guo wo zhe yang an bie ren ta men yi ding hui da sheng jiao), ben finds that interesting because i can drink tea five minutes after he's boiled without finding it painful or too hot; i think heat tolerance and pain tolerance are different but i guess that's interesting. although.. it's not like it's not painful.. but i enjoy the pain bc i perceive it as helping to mitigate the tightness. could talk abt my body aches all day really

spent twenty minutes making this post and it feels nice to type my thoughts out so i think i'm going to try to do this more often. i guess the reason why i haven't for a long time is because i had mostly tried to do work at home/use my laptop at home and all that means is that i don't really do anything.. whereas library / proper desks or tables are conducive for typing. i'm going to meet my dissertation tutor in two hours time, so i'm going to begin preparing for that and get some things printed. it seems like i'm the only one in the library right now and i'm really happy about that *flexing biceps emoji*
for the past two weeks my life has felt on hold; coming back to singapore abruptly felt like a gift, when my dad said do you want to come back i'll book a flight for you tomorrow i felt so much relief, like i could finally stop trying and i didn't have to take care of myself anymore, and so i packed up immediately and left, and it felt nice to leave without telling anyone, as though it meant that i was really disappearing. what does that say though, about where we are at any one point in time, why does someone knowing or not knowing make a difference

the past month before that felt like my body was beginning to reject me, most of my day's stamina portioned out to trying to make things better, and i had begun to get caught up in the insufferable parts of daily life: avoiding gluten, sleeping by a certain time, taking sleepy medication if i hadn't slept by a certain time, aware that if i spoke it would be to complain about how shitty it felt, unable to sleep because my body couldn't regulate its temperature & i couldn't stay warm sometimes & would become a tiny sun under blankets at other times - trying to develop a routine and being frustrated when i wasn't able to follow what i had planned. i think largely the reason that made me feel bad is that without time to consolidate my thoughts i feel like - the last time i opened this page to write a blog i started saying the same things and i ended up closing the page, because i felt like talking about it wasn't going to make it / make me feel better. but i'm better now, and i guess that's why i feel okay talking about it - i had gone so long without restful sleep, that i had forgotten how that can make you feel so much better - since coming back to singapore i've been sleeping before 11pm and waking up before 9am, and it's made a big difference

yesterday evening eve came over and after dinner we went back to my room and began to pack; i feel like when she comes over when my parents are around she encounters the part of me that hasn't slowed down & i am less patient, nice and the kind of person i don't want to be. i'm grateful for the comfort i can find in our friendship. like if i explain something i feel and ask her what she thinks, and when she confirms that opinion it doesn't feel like she's merely agreeing with me and it means something. i don't think there's anyone closer to me than she is, maybe ben, but in a different way. i'm beginning to appreciate the importance of having people around who have known you for ages. recently i've felt that thing when like, you get to know someone better, and you realise you don't actually want to get any closer to them than you already are - and how rare it really is to find someone who you feel you can rest with. today when i was walking away from the house i thought that one thing that happens when i come back, for longer than a week or so, after my parents get used to having me around again, is that it feels like any growth gained while i was away is immediately given up in my parents' home. not because it's comfortable and because i stop having to do the things i have to do for myself - like cook, clean, manage my laundry - but because we fall into the same roles that we used to play, of ungrateful daughter, perfect mother, oblivious father; i am so tired of being in a house of discord, and i tire of myself too when i hear myself get angry. after eve left last night i cried for a long time because it was the second of december and the year is ending and i am flying back to london tonight, and i know there will be a lot of things at hand, right now and in the next few weeks, and deadlines to meet by the end of the year. in the car on sunday my mom and i argued and it felt like something crumbled, and i stopped arguing and just cried for a long time instead, not silent controlled crying, but just sobbing for a long time, looking out the window and feeling like there wasn't anywhere i wanted to be

one thing i've been thinking about lately, or things really, are things related to ben - for a long time and when we first met i felt certain that i could always feel this way, this interested in someone, that it felt sustainable - but when i was sick, i felt miserable and uninterested in him and desire or being desired, like i would wake up and seek ben for comfort, wanting to be taken care of, but not feel a capacity for love in the way i used to. i still feel a little like that, that the things i have to do in my life or for myself haven't been settled and being in love isn't a priority - ben is - but being in love isn't..? once that was the whole thing - now i wish it was still the whole thing - he's still the person i want to speak to and when something happens it's him i want to tell & he's still the person i feel most comfortable with. sometimes i think maybe distance would be good for us, but then i remember the last few months before he came to london, and i have to close my eyes. maybe by distance i just mean time for myself, to give myself time to want things again, because right now there's nothing i really want, besides for my body to be well. i guess i thought i would be immune to the wax & wane of emotions and of the toll your body can take on your mind but i am not..! getting closer to the understanding of what it means to be grateful for having something that's stable, that makes you content, and maybe until this school year & all its obligations end that will have to suffice

but no, you have to believe that things can be new again

the other thing that has made me really happy recently is the release of our third issue of galavant. it's been almost a whole year since we begun preparing for it, and i'm really really happy with the final pieces we selected and how they came together as a whole. i feel like that's one of the things in my life that has made me really happy recently, like it puts a full smile on my face. i very rarely feel pride i think, or feel ok about being proud abt something, but i feel that about this. the design is so beautiful and i'm so grateful/proud to be a part of this team. also over the past year i've gotten to know qi and nathalia better, and they will both be coming up to london to stay with me over christmas break and i'm excited to bring them to places i like and to introduce them to my friends

i want to / will probably try to do a post about the whole year before the year ends, but while i'm still willing to think about things i want to write about whatever comes to mind. here there is all the familiarity of buildings and so much warmth that you only miss when you leave. i asked myself if i had a good year, and tried to sift out the highlights, but there is so much to this year i don't want to think about, that makes me really sad, and even though i've moved past that now it's frightening to recall. the really huge highlight was doing jail break with rowan and max, and getting to prague from london in 72 hours without any money, getting dropped off by the road side a million times with no idea where we were, crossing over into poland, falling asleep in burger king on the way back with a fever. i feel good when i think about that, which i feel whenever i think about something i said i would do and then did. i feel like that's one of the things i respect / feel most attracted to, when someone does as they said they would. when someone can be depended upon to remember to do something they promised to. the other thing about this year that i felt really happy about, like a clean joy when i think about it - and not something mixed up with pain/fear/wanting to be alone - is the internship i did at ubs. i really felt happy there, at my desk & typing into excel sheets and knowing that i was doing well and really liked the people i worked with. i think the thing about sadness, mostly, what characterises it i guess, is a lack of hope. so i remind myself that things won't always be a certain way and the important thing isn't to consider the sad things in isolation, but remember them as part of the narrative/timeline and how maybe the fact that i'm able to see through it is the beautiful part?????

last night while skyping ben i realised that if you hold the tears in your eyes and don't let them fall, your eyes get really large and shiny behind a film of water and they can be as expressive as an anime character

just walked down to get a glass of water and thought, 'after writing all of this i feel more like myself again' but what does that mean - none of these thoughts are really original, just honest i think - would telling someone who didn't know what i was wrong help or only confirm that i have a reason to cry - i've been going to church again, ben & i found a church we both really like, and it's felt startlingly good to feel yourself have the capacity to believe & a way to start things afresh again. i feel so old sometimes, and i think about growing older all the time, but i look at my grandma, and how i guess almost everyone she knows who is still alive are all younger than her, and when she says 'i've put on some weight' i realise she means it in the same way that i do, with some vanity, still considering your own body and how you relate to it being a part of you

ben and i were in paris over september and it made me really happy to celebrate rowan's 21st birthday there with her, and her boyfriend, and ben, and max :) on the first night there we had an amazing meal at le mary celeste, and we walked back to our apartment under a full moon. on the second morning we went to l'orangerie & met rowan and matt there, had a weird lunch, but in the evening we had a really good meal at a fancy restaurant we didn't plan on going to, & i feel so happy when rowan is happy. slept in most days because my body was fucked, and would paw open the curtains to see how high the sun was. i felt happy and in love there, especially on the evening when ben and i walked along the seine for hours and the sky began to flush the deepest shades of pink, after being full of broken clouds for the past few days. ben was talking about 'paris syndrome' that the japanese experience when they visit paris because they are shocked at how far it is from being a dream. is that a real thing? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paris_syndrome apparently it is :/ anyway i felt the opposite of that this time round, like even with the din of the streets traveling up to our apartment i loved it so much and it's somewhere i'd really like to go back to again. i don't think i feel the same way about many other places. the last time i was in paris was when i was eighteen, right after A levels were over, and there was the heaviest snowfall in 42 years, and i remember running through the streets with my dad trying to get away from the snow. we were walking around montmartre, and like it's funny how for years you might not be aware of a memory & when you re-visit a place that specific memory is retrieved - that's how a lot of paris felt like, like a dream i had before and was trying to remember, like i would walk through the open parks, or through a museum, and look around as though there was something i was forgetting

flying back to london tonight and looking forward to the thirteen hours i'll get to have to myself on the plane, and looking forward to getting off the plane and seeing ben; on the way here i read the bulk of one hundred years of solitude & i think i'll read novel on yellow paper tonight. i have to meet my dissertation tutor on thursday and i should probably start compiling a list of readings and to also finish the group work report, literature comparison, the essay on scenario planning. writing it down/writing about it always makes it feel a lot more manageable. kind of an overwhelming number of things to do before christmas, but i'm also really looking forward to christmas, because ben & qi ming & i are going up to manchester to spend it with rowan's family 

i think maybe once this year ends - the academic year - i want to go away for a while, by myself / for myself - i need that, i think, some form of indefinite leave. i don't know where i'll be once i graduate because i don't know how job applications are going to go, but today (right now, after writing) i feel less fear than i did when thinking about it earlier. i think i want to spend days in a place far from anyone i know and i'd like to spend more time reading and writing. i think that's maybe my main new year's resolution - to find a way to allow myself to do that, and to plan it in advance such that it could really happen

gao qi gao pa (久久) from natalie chin on Vimeo.

iphone summer scenes + a lot of dancing
music: dripping by blonde redhead

past week + important things

7th october 2014

it's tuesday morning, i'm sitting at home and the scaffolding outside my window that had been there for a month has finally been removed, which means that the morning light comes through my window in thicker folds. i have a bunch of things i want to write abt (my week) but then i want/ (need?) to write about something important

the past week has been interesting for a bunch of reasons; on friday night there was a poetry reading at laura's place with some of my friends, and some of the people who read that night were people i hadn't heard before, and i really loved some of their work, which was really exciting. the night before ben and i went to laura's for dinner and to make twix cookies for the poetry reading the next day. on friday night i read something that made me really angry, and i thought about staying home to write about it, but i decided that doing what i said i would do is really important, and i said that i would do the 5km run at hyde park on saturday morning, so i decided to get to sleep on time.

on saturday morning i did the run and it was really good - for the first time in the long time i felt myself sink into the clearest head space i've felt in ages, a whole wide stretch of clarity, that somehow came from pushing my body and telling myself to pace, and not to give up. i downloaded the nike running app right before the race started, thank god, i think i would have cried if i didn't know how far i had run and how far left i had to go. the first km was ok, i paced myself well and when a woman's voice said '1km' in my ear i felt surprised and pleased. the second km was kinda shitty i kept looking at my phone and thinking what the heck, why haven't i run a whole other km yet. it started raining right before i finished the second km, and the third and fourth seemed to roll into each other, i mean the mental space - telling myself that i only had as much left to go as i had already run. my back started hurting and i slowed down a little then to stretch my neck. and for the last bit, when i could see the finish line, i sped up and sprinted through. i hadn't done that in ages, pushing myself/sprinting. i liked it a lot. for the next two days my skin seemed to glow. i was talking to a friend about a thing i read somewhere which was that the two things money can never buy is youth and health and youth is something everyone will lose but health is something you can protect, so i think i am going to make a concerted effort to take better care of my body. ben and caroline and i signed up for another 5km run last night, for world aids day, and i'm really excited about that.

i finished in right under thirty mins which seems ok i think, but i can definitely do better. not preparing for the run at all and thinking 'haha i'm 22 i still got it i can run without preparing!' meant all of sunday and yesterday my butt and thighs hurt and i moved really slowly. after the run we got burgers and fries! and i came home and napped all day, and then rowan <3 came over for dinner. while ben was making dinner (pei dan chicken porridge) rowan and i snacked on crisps and caught up, she's moved to bristol and is 'restarting' (?) university as a first year again, and doing a course she actually wants. felt weird seeing her here, strange because now that i see ben everyday in some sense i think i forgot that i used to see rowan everyday and that we used to live together. and hartham house and my room there isn't somewhere i can ever revisit. the day i moved out i remember walking out early to tesco's to buy replacement light bulbs and thinking that if ever i had enough money i'd like to buy it but that's a dumb dream i think. mostly because in part the reason why i'd like to have/own is because i want to protect those memories (?) from vanishing entirely (?) / return to them. becoming more aware of how nostalgia is a motivating factor for a large number of people (thinking of books i've read i think), either acting against or for it.

on sunday becky and i walked around peckham for a long time. becky had the art licks map with the different exhibition sites marked out, some of them were in cafes and a couple were in the front room of a person's home. i don't think i saw anything especially memorable but it felt nice to explore, like it was a game, and it was nice to know that there were so many pockets of spaces for these things. the weather was really beautiful on sunday. in the evening i came home and slept alone for the first time in ages and kept waking up because it was so cold. yesterday ben came over after his classes and after dinner we went for a long walk, which we do every night really, and then stayed up talking - we were talking about hong kong + pan-democracy right before i said ok i think i need to sleep - on our walks i feel like we get to talk about things we've been thinking about and be best friends and 'understand' (?) each other in longer veins of thought. now it is tuesday morning and i have mandarin classes in an hour, and i've been typing this for an hour almost.


if you've not already read these things, then click on them, and read these in order:

1) we don't have to do anything by sophia katz
2) sarah naming the person in the medium article
3) these tweets from e. r. kennedy
4) this not very well-written article but gives you an idea of what's going on
5) another account from lily dawn
6) this article titled "an open letter to the internet" by elizabeth ellen, which i think, is one of the silliest/most absurd things i've ever read, but interesting in that ben and i wholly agree on disagreeing with her
7) an important & elegant response to ee's article by mallory ortberg

i think everything i wanted to say after reading number six has been said in link number seven; it's been really sad, on facebook and twitter friends i've known for years are falling out and i've felt anger and hostility, have written an apology email to a friend for not telling her upfront that i felt she was dismissive abt rape, have seen other people being really angry and hostile in ways that are not constructive; on the other hand i think it's really important to have these discussions, even if it blows the community apart - now that everything is all out in the open - even if sexual assault is a difficult and painful thing to think about. what shd be the point here is not the falling apart of a 'scene', trying to defend/defame individual actors, or viewing this as there being sides to be taken, but to ask what it is exactly that makes it so hard for girls to say an explicit no, and why boys assume that what is necessary is an explicit no, and in the absence of that, assume that consent has been given. idk. some friends are being smart and not speaking publicly about this because if you don't have an opinion to give no one can attack you for it i think. there is nothing really specific i want to say except think about what it might feel like to have your voice taken away from you in an act of violation, because you didn't know how to say no, and the pain that would come from that. i used to think of my internet friends as "not my real friends" but i think i am a lot closer to some of them now - since i see them all the time and since it is thru this circle that ben and i met - than other people i have met irl, whether in uni or back home. i cried a lot this week, thinking about certain things, but on the other hand, i emailed one of my friends about something we hadn't talked about in two years, and even though it had for me healed over, in its own way, it feels better, i think, and more resolved. on the way home i thought the internet is as much a respite from irl as irl is a respite from the internet.

anyway, it is nearly mid-week, i am going to collect a wardrobe in ladbroke grove now and ride home in the van. i need to put more drake in my phone